It always amuses me when online services try everything they can think of to keep your business, especially when their responses are rote and pasted in (or read) from a script. It’s so inhuman and odd.

I just canceled our e-Fax account. The poor online agent had to run through his entire repertoire of canned objection-answering. It feels so creepily fake to be on the receiving end of this stuff. If only corporations could just empower their reps to connect with customers like human beings. (As the best companies do.)

Here’s the transcript.

Fred: Hi, my name is Fred. How may I help you?

Josh: Hi, Fred. I’d like to cancel my account please.

Fred: I am glad to help you. Could you please provide me your fax number and 4-digit PIN/last 4 digits of the Credit card on file for verification?

Josh: 310-441-9949 is the fax number. Charges to card 4XXX.

Fred: Thank you for providing your information. Please give me a moment while I pull up your account.

In the meantime, please type the number corresponding to your reason for cancellation:
1) Moving to another provider
2) Bought a fax machine
3) Business or role changed
4) Short term project completed
5) Financial reasons
6) Problems with faxing or billing
7) Dissatisfied with quality of service
8) Too costly

Josh: 8

Fred: Josh, as we’d like to keep your business, I can offer to waive the monthly fee for the next 1 month. During this time, you will not be charged any monthly fee. Secondly, after the free period, the monthly fee will be reduced to $12.95 per month. This plan also includes 150 free inbound and 150 free outbound pages every month. There is no contract and you may cancel anytime. Shall I switch you to this 1 month free $12.95 monthly plan?

Josh: As usual with numbered questionnaires there’s no really accurate answer. We just don’t use faxes anymore. I’m paying monthly to receive junk faxes from travel agents and bogus business loan companies.

Fred: If you believe that you are in receipt of a junk fax, we ask that you please submit the offending fax to us by visiting https://www2.efax.com/privacy?tab=reportSpam We will investigate your complaint, and attempt to prevent any further transmission of junk faxes from the same source.

Josh: Thank you, but please cancel my account.

Fred: I completely understand your wish to discontinue. May I offer you a waiver of 2 months on the subscription fees so that you can re-evaluate your needs? This way, you will be able to send and receive faxes for 60 more days. There is no contract and you may cancel anytime.

Josh: No.

Fred: As per the records you have ported this number into eFax. I would like to inform you that once the account is cancelled you will not be able to use this number. If you want this number back, you will have to ask your service provider to submit a port request to eFax and once the number is ported out successfully you need to get back to cancel this account.

Josh: Okay.

Fred: Would you like to keep the account active?

Josh: I know you have to go through this silliness, but no. Please just cancel it. End it. Stop it. Kill it. Like the parrot in the Monty Python sketch.

Fred: OK, I will go ahead and cancel your account. Is there anything else, I may assist you with?

Josh: No, thanks, but please do send me a confirmation by email.

Fred: An email has already been sent.

Josh: Thanks for your help.